I love split squats. They bring out some of the most creative complaints, expletives, and comments from our clients. Just ask Cathy, aka “The F-Bomb Train,” who lives up to her nickname even when split squats aren’t on her program, but especially when they are.
Even my most mild-mannered clients get in on the action, like Karen K, who wins the award for “most smiling during her workout,” but still grimaces and drops some choice four-letter words during split squats.
I also got a text today from Jane T, who said simply
Well today is Thursday and my legs still hurt I hate you ;)))))
She had done split squats on Tuesday. By the way, Jane is one of our most prolific complainers. She complains as if it’s her job, and with gusto, too. I say this with love and affection, because her complaints are mostly in good humor, except for that time she threatened to disembowel me if I ever made her do split squats again. Here’s what Intern Brandon had to say about Jane recently: “We could give her an exercise called ‘Walk to the door and back’ and she’d still find a way to complain about it.”
The best comment about split squats I’ve heard recently, though, comes from Josh, who said, “Pull out the s’mores!”
I stared at him blankly, and he grinned and said, “My quads are on fire!”
To all my lovely clients, I am (not really) sorry to give you split squats all the time. They really are good for you. It’s like eating your vegetables. Just think of all the hours and hours of sitting at your desk jobs that we are trying to undo.
Your quads desperately want you to drift forward so they don’t have to suffer, but you ignore their screaming and you sit back into that perfect 90/90 position and the screaming escalates into the very real sensation that maybe your quads have lit themselves on fire to get out of doing another rep of these wretched split squats. And you continue anyway, basking in the perverse knowledge that you actually pay money to be treated like this, vaguely wondering if the Geneva Convention says anything about doing split squats for two programs in a row, half-hoping that your quad will snap off the bone so that you might fall unconscious and be done with this stupid set. You think that maybe, just maybe, if you fall unconscious, Jae won’t make you do that third set. Maybe.
I love split squats. And I love my clients for doing split squats. Thank you for being good sports, and for your endlessly inventive creativity with the English language in describing your experiences with them.
I have renamed them split and drip..